Many survivors of narcissistic abuse don’t walk into my therapy room saying, “I was abused.” They come in saying things like:

- “Something feels off, but I can’t explain it.”
- “It wasn’t that bad… was it?”
- “I keep wondering if I’m overreacting.”

This confusion is not accidental. One of the most damaging aspects of narcissistic abuse is that it rarely feels like abuse, especially in the beginning. 

At Through the Woods Psychotherapy, we hear this from clients across Ontario, and there are reasons for it.

1. Narcissistic Abuse Often Starts as Connection, Not Harm.

Unlike “obvious” forms of abuse, narcissistic abuse usually begins with:

• Intense emotional closeness
• Feeling deeply seen or chosen
• Fast bonding and idealization
• A sense that “this person really gets me”

This stage can feel intoxicating, and for some, healing. Especially if you’ve experienced neglect, emotional invalidation, or past relational trauma. Because the relationship starts with warmth and intensity, your nervous system associates the person with safety, excitement, and relief.

2. The Abuse is Gradual

Narcissistic abuse unfolds over time and very slowly. Boundaries aren’t violated all at once.
Criticism doesn’t start harshly. Control is disguised as concern. Some examples might include:

• Subtle guilt instead of direct blame
• “Jokes” that leave you feeling small
• Affection being withdrawn after disagreement
• Shifting expectations that are never clearly stated

Because while each step is small, anyone subjected to such manipulation would tend to adjust to it without recognizing if it’s subtle enough to keep you on the hook. By the time you’re questioning yourself, the dynamic is already deeply ingrained.

3. It Doesn’t Match the Stereotype Of “Abuse”

Many survivors struggle to name narcissistic abuse because it doesn’t look like what we’re taught abuse “should” look like. My area of practice and interest is rooted in our society's failure to recognize and educate the public on what emotional/psychological abuse looks like. Although narcissistic abuse can be physical and verbal, the hiddenness of emotional/psychological abuse makes it more difficult to spot and even more difficult to not minimize the harm (because if I can’t even label it, who will believe me? If there is no visible harm, am I making this up?). 

There may be:

• No yelling
• No physical violence
• No constant cruelty
• A different persona in public
• A “loving/caring” side to them

However one thing is for sure: there is always confusion. Mixed messages. Bad “gut feelings”. Dysregulated nervous systems.

The key is that emotional and psychological abuse often works precisely because it’s subtle.

4. Gaslighting Makes You Doubt It Even More

Over time, many survivors begin to internalize the narcissist’s narrative. You may hear AND start to believe things like:

• “You’re too sensitive.”
• “That’s not what happened.”
• “You always take things the wrong way.”
• “It’s your fault.”

Eventually, you stop trusting yourself. Your thoughts, your feelings, your gut. You go from asking “is this okay?”  to “what’s wrong with me?”

This self-doubt is one of the clearest indicators of narcissistic abuse, and one of the hardest parts to carry. Because it’s invisible. And that might be the narcissist's most powerful weapon to keep you around.

5. Why Awareness Is Delayed In These Relationships

First, many people don’t recognize narcissistic abuse until the relationship ends, their anxiety or depression worsens, they feel like they’ve “lost themselves”, or someone else helps them understand what they’re experiencing.

Second, there’s often layers of grief when this awareness hits. Not only for the relationship, but for the version of yourself that kept trying to make it work, and for the version of them you needed and wished you had.

Let’s keep in mind that narcissistic abuse conditions the victim to feel as though if they exist as their true self in the relationship (meaning, with their own thoughts, expressed feelings, opinions) there will be a consequence (such as a tantrum, vindictiveness, or abandonment). None of these are healthy conditions for any relationship or individual to thrive in.

  6.    How Narcissistic Abuse-Informed Therapy Can Help 

In narcissistic abuse–informed therapy, the goal isn’t to convince you one way or another.  The goal is to help you:

• Understand why it didn’t feel abusive at first
• Rebuild trust in your own perceptions and judgement 
• Untangle trauma bonds and self-blame
• Learn what emotional safety actually feels like
• Find yourself again

At TTW Psych, we work with clients across Ontario to untangle the above, gently, and as always, at your pace.

Happy healing <3. 

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