If you’ve ever been in therapy or talked to friends about a difficult relationship, you’ve probably heard this advice:
“You just need to set boundaries.”

But if you’ve tried to do this with a narcissistic partner, parent, or coworker, you might wonder:if it's that simple, why does it often backfire?

At Through the Woods Psychotherapy (TTW Psych), where we specialize in narcissistic abuse-informed therapy, we help survivors understand this important truth: Boundaries are essential for healing, but they are not always possible inside a narcissistic dynamic.

Why Traditional Boundary-Setting Doesn’t Work With Narcissists

In healthy relationships, boundaries are respected. If you say, “Please don’t call me after 10 pm,” for exmaple, a caring friend will honour that request.

But in narcissistic dynamics, boundaries are often seen as threatening to their ego, the relationship, and insecurities. This leads to boundaries being:

• Ignored: They simply steamroll over your request.
• Punished: With silent treatment, rage, or retaliation.
• Mocked or minimized: “Wow, you’re so sensitive.”
• Turned against you: Accusing you of being selfish or controlling.

Instead of creating safety, boundaries can sometimes increase conflict and deepen your exhaustion, since there is an imbalance in the dynamic. One person is coming from a place of healthy repair, and another is coming from a place of ego, shame, and fear of abandonment. When this happens, a boundary will not be respected as it is viewed negatively.

And while boundaries are still crucial, they must be realistic when dealing with narcissists.

This means:

• Don’t expect them to change. Boundaries are about protecting you, not teaching them.
• Anticipate pushback. Expect resistance and have a plan for self-care afterward.
• Prioritize safety. If setting a boundary could escalate into abuse, it may not be worth the risk.

Sometimes, the most effective “boundary” is limiting exposure—through distance, detachment, or low-contact strategies.

When Boundaries Aren’t Possible

In many situations, boundaries don’t work the way they “should.” For example:

• Co-parenting with a narcissist: You may not be able to stop their criticism or control, but you can limit communication to email or apps designed for custody arrangements.
• Living with a narcissistic parent: You may not be able to demand respect from them, but you can create emotional distance and spend less time engaging.
• Workplace dynamics: You may not be able to refuse your narcissistic boss’s demands, but you can practice “grey rocking” and seek external support.

The key is recognizing where boundaries are protective—and where they might be futile or dangerous.

Alternative Strategies You Can Use If Boundaries Don't Work

Instead of rigid boundary-setting, survivors may find these strategies more effective:

• Radical Acceptance: Recognizing that this person will not change, no matter how many boundaries you set.
• Grey Rocking: Responding in flat, neutral ways to limit emotional engagement.
• Low Contact / No Contact: Reducing exposure where possible.
• Safe Outsourcing: Turning to friends, therapy, or legal supports rather than relying on the narcissist to honor boundaries.

These tools aren’t about “winning” the dynamic — they’re about preserving your energy and sanity.

The Dynamic Is Rigged

If you’ve tried to set boundaries with a narcissist and it didn’t work, it’s not because you’re weak, bad at boundaries, or “too sensitive.” It’s because narcissistic dynamics do not allow reciprocity.

Boundaries in this context aren’t about changing them. They’re about protecting you—your energy, your safety, and your healing.

Therapy That Understands Boundaries in Narcissistic Dynamics

At TTW Psych, we don’t tell clients to “just set boundaries” and leave it at that. Instead, we:

• Validate why traditional boundary advice often fails in these relationships.
• Help you differentiate between safe and unsafe boundary-setting.
• Explore practical tools like grey rocking, strategic disengagement, and realistic limits.
• Support you in making difficult choices, like reducing contact if necessary.

👉 Book a free 15-minute consultation to connect with a therapist who understands the unique challenges of setting boundaries in narcissistic abuse recovery.
‍

Happy healing. 🫶🏼